The cave is musty and damp and dark. I cannot make out the other people – just shapes in the shadows – but there are dozens. All I know is that I should feel scared but strangely, I am unusually calm. Although I cannot see her, there is a woman among us who is not an actual physical presence but exudes incredible power. In a hypnotic voice she is telling us how we must carry out our mission – step by graphic step. The mission of which she speaks is mass suicide.
This was my nightmare on August 15, 2013. In the dream, I remember thinking that this all seemed wrong, but extremely necessary. Oddly, I am at peace with my impending fate and resolved with my decision. I’ve am convinced that it is in the best interest of society and humanity. Time passes, which is strange and altered in a dream state, and within an instant, I have incredible clarity. As if I’ve awaken from the dream within a dream, I shout out, “McKenna!” I stand up and I cry, “I cannot do this! What about my daughter McKenna? How can I do this to her? How will she live without me?”
And then, I awake in reality. The digital clock glows 3: 14 a.m. It was a dream. I am relieved to hear the wind through my open windows and see the light of the three-quarters moon shining through the sheer curtains. I think about McKenna and Jack and Keegan – my children – and I semi-lucidly weep until I’m back to sleep. My alarm wakes me at 5:00 a.m. and it’s still dark, but I know that if I get up and run and run, I might be able to shake the ominous feeling that blankets me. So I lace up and head out.
As I run in the pre-dawn darkness, all I want to do is jettison this feeling of dread. Why would I dream such a dream? What is going on in my head? What is wrong in my heart? I didn’t come to any conclusions or find peace that morning, but after my run I did feel like I was in a better mental state. I had regained some control and was less anxious. But the image of this woman-deity haunted my thoughts for days. Her voice came to me at odd times and the nagging feeling of desperation was just below the surface of my consciousness.
Much like running, writing became my release. Re-creating the dream in words allowed me to dig into the mystery behind the dream and the significance hidden in the unconscious. Then, it slowly becomes clear. The nightmare incorporated the disturbing concepts of the occult, suicide, darkness and death to shake me up and open my eyes to what I am missing in the waking world. It wasn’t about me being unhappy or suicidal, which was my initial reaction and fear. It was about me misunderstanding one very human need.
The message was this: I couldn’t commit the act because McKenna couldn’t live without me. In the dream, McKenna represents all the people in my life whom I love and who love me back. I am needed. It was a wake-up call to make me remember that I need to be here on this earth because I mean something. If you are like me, who believes that the more you do, the more you matter, please take note. We are not loved by what we do, how we do it, how much we do and how well we do it. We are loved because we are. We deserve to be in this world for no other reason than to simply exist. Weird. No Academy Award or Nobel Peace Prize or Olympic gold medal required.
