When I run, I can ease the pain. When I run, I can control the controllable. When I run, I can make sense of the senseless. But when I run, can I defeat disease? ‘They’ say all I have to do is lead a healthy lifestyle – eat right, exercise, don’t smoke, manage stress, be grateful, love and be loved. Yes, I can do this especially since I have my running – the silver bullet that will allow me to constantly stay one step ahead of the debilitating. Well, that’s what I thought until yesterday.
“Mmm hmmm…yes, there’s a palpable mass here.” As if I’m inside a huge tin can, these words echo through the cold exam room as I stare past the doctor. Right now, I’m simply a voyeur listening in on someone else’s bad news. I’m now the cliché. “But doctor, I came in about the pain. I didn’t think breast cancer presented in this way.” She was stoic. No, we shouldn’t wait to have a mammogram until my annual exam in January. Yes, I should schedule the appointment this week. Maybe, things will be okay. This was yesterday.
Today, I don’t run in the cold, dark dawn. I feel betrayed by the run – my secret weapon in the defense against hardship, hurt, and hopelessness has failed. I sip my coffee in a fog as my strong self argues with my weak self to get a grip. I’ve been here before – during the end of my marriage, the death of my grandmother and the suicide of my closest friend. When the internal arguing gets unbearable, my running shoes have always been the great mediator. Let’s take this battle on the road.
It’s now noon and 37 degrees. The sun’s glare is reflecting off the snow and ice and I appreciate how Mother Nature has sprinkled glitter all around me. My world already feels a bit kinder. A palpable mass. A mammogram. A mystery. I know I cannot control these things, but I can control how I view them. So I start my watch and begin the run up the slushy street. My feet are soaked from the icy water in a matter of minutes and I feel like a child jumping in the rain puddles after a sun shower. I pick up the pace in the cool slipstream while the splash-back from passing vehicles hits my legs and assures me that I am alive.
I envision that I’m being chased. Maybe I can out-run this. I think about my friend Deb who, only last year, was diagnosed with breast cancer. She walked as a survivor in the Race for the Cure this September. I don’t exactly know what she did to control the unknown, or how she quelled the arguments in her head, but I do know that she inspired. She inspired her children, her husband, and her friends. She didn’t run, but I do know that she won. She beat cancer with the speed of treatment and the strength of heart. So, I run faster and stronger.
I know I am not in control of this. The God that I’m recently getting reacquainted with is in control of this. I know that it’s presumptuous, but maybe if I show heart and spirit and self-awareness, I will be spared. Oh, really? I don’t really think it works that way. The inner arguments continue as I am chased along my eight-mile route by the unknown nipping at my heels. By the time I get home, I am convinced of only one thing. On the road, I see the world in a more beautiful light and gain a personal strength that allows me to face all that lies ahead. No matter what, I am a runner.
Callie, Praying for your health issues this morning, just woke up and read your blog in my email inbox. I am sure you will be receiving lots of love and support from family and friends throughout the day as people begin reading this. The Lord loves you so very much , and He will see you through this. He holds you in the palm of His mighty hand, and He cares for you. “The Lord is my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” Psalms 46:1
So sweet of you to read this Wendy. Sometimes writing helps as much as running. I think Tullian and grace may have come into my world at precisely the right time. Everything will turn out the way it’s supposed to. Thank you for caring.
Callie, You are so welcome! Yes, I am sure Tullian and grace came into your life at this time for a divine reason. There are no accidents, and God is good. Take care, Callie! I will keep praying for you, my new-found friend
Callie – Let me know if there is anything I can do for your or your family! Anything. I mean that.
~Sabrina
Sabrina, you are a doll. All will be well. I have faith. Thank you for your friendship.
Dear Callie,
I have prayed for you today. Your words convict and inspire me, while motivating me to talk to God.
rick
The comfort of strangers is a beautiful thing. Thank you Rick.
Callie,
Tullian mentioned you on Twitter today and I immediately read your blog post. I want you to know that I will be praying for you and that you are not alone. I know personally how terrifying the uncertainty can be. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in February of this year. It was three days before my 42nd birthday and because I have a husband and two little boys who I didn’t want to leave behind, I was devastated. Thankfully, I had been listening to Tullian’s sermons and reading his books for about two years before my diagnosis. I truly believe they prepared me to walk through the whole ordeal and to cling to God like I never had before. I think if I had not been listening to Tullian’s sermons I would have assumed that I was being punished and believing that lie would have plunged me into despondency. Instead, I kept listening to his sermons and reading his books while I recovered from multiple surgeries and finally managed to get back on my feet again. Even though I’ve never met him I’ll always be grateful to him for helping me through the toughest trial of my life. Hopefully, your mass will turn out to be benign. But if it doesn’t, and even though I don’t know you, if I can do anything to help, please let me know. After I was diagnosed, two women I had never met (and still haven’t met in person) talked me through things and helped me to keep the right perspective and to put my hope in God, not in my circumstances. The fears came at me continually, be especially in the middle of the night, but remembering that I wasn’t alone, God was in control, and others had made it through the exact same situation, helped me so much. Like you, I believe God brought Tullian and grace into life at just the right time too! And now, you have been brought into my life and the lives of others who will pray for you and encourage you as you face this trial.
Oh Michelle. I am so happy to hear your story and learn of your triumph. I will definitely take your advice and keep Tullian’s words and thoughts close to heart. I have no doubt that being introduced to him when I did was no mistake. Thank you for sharing with a total stranger. It means so much.
We’ve never met, but– keep running, girl. And when you are not strong enough, hide yourself in the heart of God and let Him be your strength.
This brought me to tears Anna. Yes, I will keep running and keep believing. Your note was so good for my heart.
Thinking of you…hang tough, I know you will.
Thank you Andrew. I really appreciate the support. Thanks for reading my story – It helps to share.
wow. praying for you. YOU are amazing. love your writing. love your heart!
Ahhh, hearing from you means so much to me Bea. Thank you for writing and for the prayers. I am incredibly hopeful.
Oh Callie…our prayers are with you!!! You are one of the strongest women that we know. Feel free to reach out to Dan and I if you need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen. We are here for you 100%! ((Hugs))
Remember that the Hitchhikers guide to the Universe, starts with the words “don’t panic” . These words have served me well in many a bad situation. Because as the military instructor explained feeling fear is natural but panic will never help. Use all the positivity you have . Visualize the outcome that you desire and it shall be so. Your family is pulling for the best and loves you. Big bro
Praying for you Callie, Kim and I both love you and we are always their for you. Let us know if we can do anything for you. I know you will out run this.
I walked out of the Sally Jobe Invision Center into the warm Colorado sunshine and I was sure this day was the most beautiful day of all. On this December day, I learned about Grace first hand. The results of my tests were negative – there was no cancer and I was free to go about and live my life. I cannot begin to express how much the thoughts and prayers meant. I was given the gift of pure kindness from total strangers and I will never forget how that feels. I was reassured that I was valuable. I felt the comfort of God. I prayed, I ran, I cried. I needed to feel this in order to truly understand – to understand what happened to my faith, to recognize pure love, and to feel the suffering of the cancer-stricken women I know and those I don’t know. Thank you all for helping me through this – especially Tullian Tchividjian who knows no strangers. This time, God chased me down and I’m really glad.
Callie, I am SO happy for you!!!! This is wonderful news!
Your thoughts and prayers and strength were with me the entire time Michelle. I feel that you are an inspiration to so many and I was very lucky that you found me. The journey continues…
Oh, Callie!!! That’s answered prayer, isn’t it?! I’m so relieved and joyful for you and with you! I’m sure the sun has never looked brighter! God bless you as you continue on life’s journey with Him basking in the light of His love and grace!
Callie, I am so happy to hear that your test was negative. Praise God! I am so encouraged by reading these comments, especially from Michele (who has shared her story with me). Grace always wins!
I recently found your blog through Tulian Tchividjian. thank you for sharing your words.
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