I walked out of the Invision Sally Jobe Radiology and Imaging Center into the warm Colorado sunshine and I was sure this day was the most beautiful day of all. On this December afternoon, I learned about Grace first hand. The results of my tests were negative – there was no cancer and I was free to go about and live my life. Now what? I thought, as I sat in my car with the windows down drenched in the feeling of cold air infused with intense sunlight. I feel selfish for being one who was spared. I feel humbled for being one who was spared. I am conflicted. How do I share the news, especially when so many women I know and don’t know leave the radiology center with very different results?
So I just sit there, staring at the worn and faded white sticker on the car parked in front of me and let the tears come. I look down at my lap so none of the passersby can see my pain and I focus on the tears as they form tiny, snowflake-like stains on my jeans. Everything seems magnified. Time has slowed down. I am breathlessly praying. But I’m not praying to God to thank Him for sparing me. I’m praying to God because He was beside me. For more than a decade, I was alone and without faith. I was exhausted. I was exhausted by the effort needed to be responsible for controlling it all – especially that which I could never possibly control.
Surely this is the most beautiful world of all
This was so much bigger than me and I had to let go – give up control to, well, God I guess. That’s what I was thinking the day after my initial diagnosis when I tried to run away from cancer. On that run, I imagined that the unknown was nipping at my heels and I was barely keeping one step ahead of it. Everything about my world was magnified on this run – much like it was when I sat in my car trying to make sense of the week’s events and every emotion overtaking me. And I felt very small – like I could just slip in between the snow crystals glistening and gradually melting at the edge of the sidewalk. Every footfall seemed to harmonize with my beating heart and rhythmic breath. I finished the run feeling an odd sense of blessing.
That night, I wrote about it. And when I did, I uncovered something unexpected. I learned that on that run, I wasn’t running away from cancer as much as I was running toward God. I gave up and gave in. The rest was in His hands. And, oh how good it felt not to be alone. In the days that preceded the mammogram and ultrasound and my inevitable fate, I prayed, I ran, and I cried. I did this all knowing that I had no control of the outcome, but I did have faith. When Pastor Tullian shared my story, I felt the comfort of God in the pure kindness of total strangers who prayed for me and wrote to me. This is what I believe Grace is and I will never forget how that feels.
I think I needed to go through this pain in order to truly understand – to understand what happened to my faith, to understand Grace, to understand that there is no shame in letting go, and to understand how beautiful this world truly is. Today, I feel even more deeply for those suffering from the known and unknown, and for the cancer-stricken women I know and don’t know. There are no written words to express how grateful I am for the support and prayers I received. This time, God chased me down and I’m really glad. I have a feeling I’ll never run alone again.
[Heartfelt thanks to Pastor Tullian Tchividjian who knows no strangers.]
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Callie,
Your post is so beautifully written. It brings me so much joy to see what God is doing in your life. Thank you for sharing your journey! 🙂
Sincerely,
Michelle
Hi Michelle – thank you for reading and for sharing your story and challenges. You were on my mind the day of the tests and I’ve thought about your journey so much since then. It was hard to write this because I wanted to be sensitive to everyone and what they may be going through. Stay strong and be well Michelle.
“I think I needed to go through this pain in order to truly understand […] Today, I feel even more deeply for those suffering from the known and unknown, and for the cancer-stricken women I know and don’t know.”
Hi Callie,
I loved reading your entry here. 😉
Regarding the quote from above – I didn’t drop your four “to understand” insights because they were irrelevant (since they are true, indeed), but I believe that deep empathy for those suffering is always the result of our own suffering before. As strange as it might sound, however, if we get used to suffering ourselves, we might experience joy in the midst of our dark valleys as soon as we share the pain of others.
Or as Francis of Assisi said, “Forget yourself, and you will receive.”
BTW, Tullian wrote an excellent article on “Self-forgetfulness” here: http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tullian/?s=self-forgetfulness
Every Blessing to you,
Susanne from Bavaria
PS
I have been a passionate runner for decades until two damaged disks (CDH/LDH) forced me to take the bike instead. Keep on running, Callie. 🙂
I love this Susanne – and I think I understand. I appreciate your taking the time to write. And, keep on cycling! That’s my second favorite sport!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I understand what it is like to await that kind of diagnosis – expecting the worst and hoping for the best. But at that point in my life, God was really just an afterthought. He brought me through a much different kind of trial to break my control issues. And it is still ongoing for me, and so I can read your story with all joy and continued hope because we don’t run alone. 🙂
{{{HUGS}}}
We are all in this together I think. I appreciate your insight and hope you continue to heal. Thank you for reading and for sharing.
Callie, it is wonderful to hear this good news and I thank the One who holds you in His hands – through all situations. Although a friend has a diagnosis of brain cancer (just this week, she is 20) I can see the family of God wrapping her with His love. The gift of each day we are given is precious and we are part of a bigger story – I’m excited to see what His plan is for you! Have a wonderful Christmas with a deeper understanding of the Good News of “God with us!” It is amazing and brings great joy! -cp
Your willingness to share is always an inspiration to me. Just remember that overwhelming feeling when the next trial comes around,(and it always does) because faith builds on itself, and sometimes we have to walk through the valley of the shadow of death, but dear Lord, let us not set up camp there…love you so!
-Ang.
I know Ang. When I think about all you’ve been through and the strong faith you have, it gives me hope. You are my rock. Love you and am so thankful for you.