Does Suffering Set You Free?

Lately, when I leave the house for my run, a wave of guilt washes over me.  For me, running is a reminder of my freedom – both physically and mentally.  Today, I am fortunate.  Today I can run because I am not tethered by debilitating anxiety, physically-draining emotional issues, or heart-wrenching suffering. But, my neighbor Galina, who lives in the ‘sad house,’ is.  As I swing my legs in the pointless pursuit of warming up, I wonder how she feels when she sees me getting ready to go.  I imagine that she’s thinking, “If only my heart didn’t ache so fiercely and the tears didn’t flow so easily, then maybe I too could go outside – even just to take a walk and breathe in the cold air.” Galina’s son took his own life in October.  Her suffering is like nothing I have ever experienced.

It’s only been three months, but for Galina and her husband every day must feel like a hundred – with every minute consumed by a hurt that no one will ever understand.  I know I can’t. So the first time I went to express my condolences and check in on them, I said practically nothing.  I stammered.  I sobbed.  I said I was sorry over and over.  I had no words that could possibly take away their suffering.  On that first visit, I walked home wiping my tears feeling helpless and confused.  Why does this happen?  I am in the midst of rekindling my relationship with God and this is what He puts in front of me?

Some people are presented with signs all the time.  I believe I am one of those people.  But during the last 10 years, having lost almost all my faith, I thought these signs were produced by energy, or positive thinking, or were just the workings of a random universe.  However, when I received my second book from Pastor Tullian Tchividjian entitled, Glorious Ruin:  How Suffering Sets You Free, only days after questioning why bad things happen to good people, I knew I needed to give God another chance.

Breaking the silence of suffering

I had really just met Pastor Tullian a few months earlier through blogs and email.  He was a virtual stranger who instinctively knew what I was going through.  Whether it was by chance or divinity, I was getting more hopeful. I mean, if someone I had just met could sense my struggles and take action, maybe I could too.  Maybe this book was the key to helping Galina – a self-help book of sorts with a guaranteed 10-step program to show us all how to get up, get moving, and get on with life.  Honestly, I was relieved to find out it wasn’t.  After all, I am the more emotional variety of human being and I know that following instructions from a book, or in a program, or from a manual can never extract the pain.

Tullian gets it.  He seems to innately understand the human spirit – what will draw us close and what will push us away.  His preaching and his faith seem different than anything I’ve ever heard, or read, or experienced.  His books are an extension of his sermons – heartfelt, realistic, empathetic, and engaging.  When he writes, he is just as broken and imperfect as the rest of us.  He doesn’t try to explain why bad things happen to good people, but instead, provides his own insight into how suffering can liberate us.

After I read Glorious Ruin, I felt better about my initial visits with Galina.  It became clear that she wasn’t looking for answers from me or an explanation that would miraculously delete her pain.  So, on my third visit, I simply stood in the doorway and asked how she was.  With tears glistening on my lower lashes, I waited for her to speak. When she said nothing, I just hugged her.  Then, we both cried.  We had broken the silence of the suffering.  I think she just needed someone to stand beside her and suffer with her.

I was raised to believe that showing emotion was akin to being weak. “Never wear your heart on your sleeve.”  So, I run when I am sad, lonely, hurt or confused.  Through Tullian, I’ve learned that we don’t have to run from the pain.  We can learn from it and grow from it – whether it’s our suffering or someone else’s.  Suffering can bring us closer to grace and to God.  And that’s because He will always be there to suffer with us and to suffer for us.