My iPhone’s weather app reports that it’s negative 11 degrees and snowy today at 5:02 a.m. My phone, however, has not revealed anything I don’t already know. I awoke with an unshakable chill and my coffee doesn’t even feel hot as I sip it as I’m lacing up my running shoes and reviewing my training schedule. Today is Wednesday. I’ve got Hal Higdon’s marathon-winning plan posted on my fridge along with the infamous pink marker I use to highlight my daily victories. But, I glance down and just beneath the training schedule are the half-dozen college acceptance letters Keegan has received in the last two months. I stare at the salutation on the most recent CSU acceptance – “Congratulations Keegan” – and I feel my breathing get shallow and my heart begin to pulse in my ears. My baby is all grown up.
“Focus Skokos. You’re tough. Just get your jacket on and get moving. You always put things in their proper place when you run.” This inner monologue is always there, always shifting the tenor and tone of my mind. It’s impossible to quiet the voice, but this is probably a good thing – for today, I welcome the reminder. Get moving or those emotions will find you and shake you down. Wednesdays are usually easy runs complemented with strength training – but I’ll admit – I don’t always feel very satisfied with these workouts. Depending on the day’s challenges, running hard is the only way to get balanced and back in control. Those are the days that my inner voice cheers me on. “Go girl. You’ve got this. Nothing is tougher than you right now.”
A day in the life…
Running hard makes everything else seem easier. It also makes it more difficult for my mind to drift to the dark side – the place in my mind that houses everything I question about myself. Today, as the wet footprints begin to dry on the treadmill belt beneath my feet, my thoughts are riveted on Keegan. Not wanting to think about him being off at college – missing him, worrying about him – I change the channel in my mind. I land on the day he was born, I see his incredible blue eyes that turned green after one year, I remember his three-year-old obsession with Legos, how he sobbed at the end of “Charlotte’s Web” when he was eight, and I see his beautiful artwork flip past. Then, like a bolt of lightning, two things hit me at the exact same time. Keegan and Grace.
In an instance, my mind’s eye focuses on something Keegan said when he was a high school freshman. We were in the car talking about school and he told me about some kids and the trouble they were getting into. I asked him if he’d ever done any of the same things and he said, “Mom, I don’t want to be a bad kid. I really like you and I always want you to like me back.” Like it happened yesterday, I remember the tears building up and my throat closing as I managed to utter that no matter what, I would always love him – good or bad.
I stop the treadmill. I’m not sure even why. I’m out of breath staring down at the glowing neon clock in the realization that this must be what Pastor Tullian Tchividjian means when he preaches about Grace – the one way love of God. Maybe it’s the way I view my relationship with God. It’s not that Keegan doesn’t do bad things because he’s afraid of breaking the law and suffering the consequences. No, it’s that he doesn’t do bad things because he loves me. He loves being loved back. He loves knowing that when he falls or falters, I will be beside him – loving him without question. Unconditionally. One way.
After processing this for another moment, I hit start on the control panel and when I do, the movie of my mind clicks back on. Again, Keegan is the main character and he’s brilliant in his role as a kid who’s growing up – with incredible moral values, a remarkable and rare sense of self, and a genuine love of life. He’s in the car with me and this time we’re talking about God and what we both believe and what we still don’t understand. He’s in the kitchen with me while I’m cooking – sharing the latest hot YouTube snowboarding video. Then, he’s saying goodnight – “Love you mom.”
There is no way to express how much I will miss his companionship when he leaves for college to start a new chapter in his life. It will be hard to walk by his bedroom without thinking about our last 18 years together – years that helped me grow into a better person, a better mom, and a better friend. But, according to my inner voice, I’m tough. For this is why I run.
Beautiful! 🙂
Thank you for reading Michelle!
Really enjoyed this month’s post Callie, thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, and the challenges of parenting. Looking forward to more! Stay warm my friend…
So glad you enjoyed this Phil. It’s been an amazing journey on so many levels. Really appreciate the comments and your support.
I always love reading your posts. I thought of you the other day when it was just 10 degrees out and I went for a run outside. In my mind I said “Callie would be proud of me…I’m tough too”
Cheers!
Girl, you didn’t need me to remind you that you’re tough! It’s just how you’re wired. Thanks for reading. Keep running!
Callie – you are beautiful inside and out. Your writing always stops me in my tracks and begs the question “Are you being your best,m Denise? Because Callie is…” You inspire. You motivate. You lead. XO, Friend.
Oh Denise – I don’t know what to say. I just hope I can help one person learn to cope with this crazy life through running. It’s not about being the best. We can all try to do our best, but sometimes that never feels like enough. Just be you. Your spirit helps me lighten up and live a little more freely. We can all be there for each other in some way – and it may not be as small as we might think. Push on girl. Thank you for sharing.
Wow. Standing in my kitchen in tears. Such a beautiful reminder of grace. Thank you!
Kimm, After reading your book, I realize we have a very similar mindset. Your words help give me more confidence in motherhood and being an authentic person. So much more to learn in this life – but better late than never. (smile) Thank you for reading my work and for sharing in my little slice of this amazing life. So sincerely.
Thanks for this post. I have three sons (almost 9, 5, and 3). This topic has become a struggle with my oldest lately. I’m trying to help him understand that obedience shouldn’t be simply due to fear, but a fruit of love. Praise God that your son eventually understood that and I know one day mine will too. Until then I’ll try to model that grace-walk in front of him. I appreciate the motivation your post gave. And I should probably run more, too.
Hi Jeff – It’s not easy being a parent is it? But, I guess nothing worth so much is ever easy. Honestly, I think I got lucky. Running, however, has helped me in so many ways – from patience to authenticity to love. I hope to always be real in front of my children and allow them to be real in front of me. I am blessed. I know it. Thank you for taking the time to reply. It means more than you know.
Callie, I’m all teared up reading your blog this morning… you see, my little boy is off to college in the fall too. We are getting those same acceptance letters, and I am so very proud of the man he is becoming but the mommy’s heart on the inside of me is aching. I try not to allow myself to do the “countdown” of how much daily life we have left with him in our home the way it has always been, before he starts his flight from the nest. I know just how you feel, and it was comforting to me this morning to know someone out there knows how I feel too 🙂 Your comments about grace reminded me of a letter my son wrote me a few Mother’s Days ago and he mentioned how that when he lets me down, I lift him up and that when he makes mistakes, I still tell him I love him when he feels undeserving. He wrote that said when he was feeling worthless at times, I still put him up on a pedestal and how it made all the difference for him. And you are so right, that is the same “one way love” of our Father who loves us so…no matter what. What a comfort, what a joy, what a Savior! 🙂
Wendy, this is beautiful. We’ve had quite a journey with our babies and we will ache when they are grown up and out on their own. So sharing this makes my heart feel a little better and hearing the words from others makes me feel a little less alone. Today, I am more hopeful than I’ve ever been. I understand more and appreciate it all. Thank you for your kindness and know that your son will be in good hands where ever he is. Beautiful comfort.
Hi Callie! I so enjoyed this post! My mom and I have been praying for you to experience God’s unconditional love! Your comments about Keegan and specifically your chat about God made me interested in doing the same with Madison. We had a lot of fun talking….don’t know how I will do when she graduates and moves on without me, but I do know that she is in God’s mighty hands and he’s a much better parent than I can ever be. Love to you!
This is such a sweet surprise Jodi. So nice to hear from you. I feel proud to know that you and your mom read my writing and can relate to me – being such a layman and newbie in all of this. I’ve spent years running but never did I realize that the love and appreciation and gratitude that I felt and acknowledged on each run was essentially my way of talking to God. It’s liberating to know that I can simply be me and He is there. I like having that comfort. I really think Keegan understands too. We’ve talked at length about God – even before I learned about Grace – and I’ve tried to help him be open-minded about what it means and where it can take him. I love the man he’s becoming and hope that my relationship with him – and my openness and my “realness” – will guide him back to me and to God when he is in need. I believe Madison is very blessed to have you and the supportive, loving people in her life – teaching her how to cope in this life. Love you too and hope to stay in closer touch.