I was overwhelmed with emotion as I left behind the sanctuary of the Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church and stepped into the February Ft. Lauderdale sunshine. Today’s service with Pastor Tullian Tchividjian brought closure to Liberate Weekend and a conference designed around sharing the message of grace and God’s one way love. But for this girl, the one who’d only recently become reacquainted with God, it was so much more than listening to devoted, authentic speakers talk about how grace will change everything about us – and everything about how we view Christianity. On this warm Sunday, I was bathed in hope and comfort as the mild breeze brushed against my cheek and whispered in my ear like a long, lost love. “There is so much we need to talk about.” Indeed, there is, I thought. We’ll just have to take all this on the run.
An hour later, I’m heading up the A1A drawbridge – looking out across the Intracoastal Waterway – and the movie of my mind immediately switches on. At this moment, there is only the music of Evanescence streaming through my headphones, but the images in my mind’s eye are more vivid than usual. I’m slightly giddy as I think about how I got here – physically and spiritually. How I found just what I needed, right when I needed it. My memory rewinds to the Friday morning in October when I was first introduced to Pastor Tullian – his image hovering above me on the television monitor as I ran on the treadmill. He was being interviewed on Morning Joe in their “Faith on Fridays” series about his book, One Way Love: Inexhaustible Grace for an Exhausted World. His words rang out like a closed-captioned beacon of hope. Oh, how desperately I needed to find peace in this unbelievably exhausting world.
I came by myself and left with life-long friends
I’ve run about a mile and a half now and I know I’m getting closer to the beach as the volume of traffic increases in direct correlation to the smell of sea water in the air. I feel light on my feet – and in my heart – as I recall the events that played out after sending Pastor Tullian a single Tweet about the show and the book and my hope. I was desperate to learn his secret about grace. But, what happened over the course of four months was something so much bigger – something so much more life-changing than what I anticipated would be yet another self-help book on improving my life. I learned how to trust. I learned how to accept. I learned how to believe.
I cross over A1A and I feel like I’m running at record pace as I effortlessly glide along the sidewalk adjacent to the beach. The Atlantic Ocean seems bluer than I remember. And brighter. And more alluring. I guess this is how life looks when you have faith – that liberating feeling of knowing there’s something much bigger than you out there. That belief that you are loved no matter your weaknesses and imperfections and brokenness. It’s freeing. Running becomes easier. The view becomes more beautiful. People seem kinder. I’m heading down the over-crowded sidewalk but it feels like everyone is instinctively slipping out of my way. I giggle as I think about this experience in the context of the Bible and the story of the parting the Red Sea – which would have never crossed my mind before embarking on this journey.
Whether real or perceived, everyone I see on the run smiles at me. I smile too because I am completely at peace. Since opening my heart to grace and the possibilities it brings, my runs feel different. Now, when I lace up my running shoes, I feel as if I’m no longer running away from that which I fear or from the war that’s waging in heart. I’m now running towards real love. In my heart, I can now admit that when I run, I pray – I pray for my children, and my family, and my friends and my world. I thank God for loving me unconditionally. With this revelation, I’ve unlocked a certain strength that I cannot begin to describe. “Because Jesus won for you, you are free to lose,” says Tullian. There is no feeling like knowing I no longer have to prove myself. I am imperfect and that’s perfectly okay.
I look down at my running watch and realize I’ve run much farther and much faster than I had set out to do. I am drenched in sweat and I feel a little dizzy as I bend down to unlace my running shoes, peel off my wet socks and walk down to the water’s edge. I’ve got a lighter heart today because “Grace says that though I am flawed I am cherished.” And, I’ve got a fuller heart today. When I arrived, I met my assigned companion Jenn, who was hand-picked by Tullian to ensure I wouldn’t be alone at the conference. Within four hours, we were friends. Within 24 hours, we had the bond of sisters.
I do not believe that any of this has been coincidence. I learned about God’s unconditional love at a time when I thought real love was no longer meant for me. I received Tullian’s friendship and counsel at a time when I felt desperate and alone. I met Jenn at a time when I was trying to make sense of all of this – especially grace and what it really looks like. She is a beautiful picture of grace.
When I board my flight tonight, I will leave convinced that I’ve been guided by something much bigger than me. I’ve been presented with signs and events that cannot be ignored or written off as serendipity. Finally I have faith. But, no matter what you believe, know that if you truly love this life it is worth opening your eyes to all its grandeur. It’s worth taking a chance. Have no expectations. Simply revel in the surprises.
Callie,
Please tell me you are going again next year! I wasn’t able to go this year but I already bought my ticket for 2015 and I am so hoping I will get to meet you! 🙂
Yes! I am going next year. I already have my ticket too! Cannot wait to meet you too Michelle. It was such a great experience – loving, fun, moving.
Callie,
I am thrilled about the richness of your experience. Reading your post I couldn’t think about anything except the grandeur that I take for granted on a daily basis. In the past I’ve often confused face with religion and emerged disappointed. I hope I’m getting better and thank you for sharing your experience. I look very much forward to speaking to you soon.
Affectionately,
Joe
It’s been such a heartwarming experience Joe. I’m overwhelmed with people’s kindness and filled with gratitude. Thank you for being one of the kind people in my world.
Callie,
You are a recipient of the kindness you display daily and so generously. I often neglect the act of feeling or recognizing gratitude for the wonderful people and world around me. I sometimes take those blessings for granted, though I know inately that celebrating them is a large part of joy that is faith in God. Thank you for sharing your journey and shining light on my path.
Warm Regards,
Joe
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Sol happy for you that the Word of grace and freedom has gripped you.
May it always be so!
Beautiful! I so wanted to go….plan to for sure next year, God-willing. I’m listening to Tullian’s talk right now. He has been so instrumental in changing my walk too, and my perception of the word and the truth of the gospel. Liberation is wonderful! I am so grateful. I wrote a little about my journey here, if you have time to read:) http://christinamariehernandez.wordpress.com/2014/02/17/gods-toolkit/
Christina your writing is so beautiful and so helpful to me as well. I am still emerging from the wreckage of years of non-belief and that feeling of complete desperation. I understand your struggle more than you may realize. Running has been my therapy and has helped me find my way out of so many dark places – now I know it’s because that was where God was. I prayed on the road and on the run. I am so glad you found Tullian too. I’m praying for your peace.
Thank you! I love to hike and have had so many beautiful conversations with the Lord on those hikes. Thank you for prayers and for reading. Praying for you too. God bless!
Callie, when Pastor Tullian first put your blog address on his twitter account. I had no idea what I was about to read would make me cry. It was like this girl feels just like I do. I read it earlier and the same thing happened. You are truly an inspiration. I truly believe that God puts people in our paths for a reason. Because at this chapter in life I am broken and exhausted. I don’t even know how Pastor Tullian got on my twitter acct. Now I am listening to his sermons and buying his books. I am having some scary health issues right now. I have to have Lymph nodes and a mass removed from my lower left side. Then see an oncologist when I am released. Could u please send some prayers my way! I wanted to ask Pastor Tullian but I think it’s inappropriate.
I would love to talk some more when you have time by email I put mine
above. I think we will find we are alot alike and have a lot in common. Sorry I wrote a book.
Sarah Fisher:
Oh Sarah, I was in a similar place in December and I received incredible support from total strangers – through Tullian’s outreach. I knew, with that kind of love, I would have the strength to handle whatever was meant to be. I pray that you know how much love can heal. Thank you for reading and I am so glad that I was able to bring a glimmer of hope to you as you go through this very scary time.
I have a freind who attended. I’ve been searching for a place to dowload, purchase these teachings any suggestions? Freedom.
Hi Tim – Check out http://liberate.org/ to get access to the conference highlights, podcasts, videos and more. The conference was so inspiring, educational, and uplifting. The people were all so welcoming and the vibe was energizing. I cannot wait til next year!
Good morning to you.
It was a joy to meet you in Ft.
Lauderdale and now to read your blog.
Even though I raised Tullian,
I too feel a special touch from God when I hear him speak of God’s Grace. I think it is because he is such a product of Grace.
You are a very special young woman and I trust we can stay in touch.
Gigi
Tullians Mom
Oh Gigi, the pleasure was all mine. From the moment we met, I could tell you have an incredible gift that draws people to you – a comforting and calming presence. I would have loved to spend more time with you, but until then, please keep in touch. Thank you so much for reading my story and being so open and understanding of my journey. Callie
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