The Best of Faith

I wish everyone could feel the way I feel right now.  I have been out on the road now for less than ten minutes and already I feel a certain peace.  My legs feel light and my breathing is completely relaxed and measured.  The wind is calm and my mind is clear.  I’m running alongside the sunrise on this forty-seventh Thanksgiving of my life and I feel a rare sense of serenity.  Dear Lord, I made it. One more year. Thank you, I whisper, as I pull my hands up into my sleeves to ward off the early morning chill.  I am blessed to be here today because of your grace.  I didn’t earn it and I don’t deserve it.  For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I am loved for no other reason than because I exist.

We encounter God in the ordinariness of life…

Often when I run, the tears will fight to flow.  This morning, I feel unusually vulnerable as I stride down my first hill and feel my throat closing slightly while my lip starts to quiver.  I’ve been a runner for a long time, but I never really know why the sobs sneak out.  I always thought it had something to do with my mind finally allowing my heart the freedom to speak.  But then, last Thanksgiving on this same running route, I was greeted by a sunrise that revealed to me what I was looking for all along.  Ever since I was a young girl, I had been looking for God.  Waiting for Him to appear and show me His strength and protection.  For 20 years, I searched and prayed and “did all the right things” so that He would take notice. But, He never came.  As a result of this absence, my heart hardened.  For ten years, He did not exist. I proclaimed that I was the only one who could protect me.  I was strong.  I would save myself.

But, it was a lonely way to live. In this life I had built, there was no calm, no peace, no comfort, no hope.  I needed help.  So, running became my therapy.  It seemed to be the only thing that generated some form of freedom and peace. It was, however, only a temporary fix.  Like that of a drug addict, I would count the hours before the next sunrise so I could get my fix again.  Often, people would learn about my running and with a look of pity, ask me what would happen if I didn’t run.  I wasn’t sure how to answer them.  I usually just joked that if I didn’t get out and get my mind straight, they probably wouldn’t like me very much.  Then, last Thanksgiving as I was running up the Titan Road Hills and the sun was peeking over my right shoulder, I was presented with the answer.  Yes, running was like a drug – but more like a prescription that allowed my heart to soften and my thoughts to transform into prayer.

That’s it.  I was praying.  It became so clear that day.  When I run, I see with my soul and not with my eyes.  The world looks different on the run – brighter and more hopeful and more generous.  And so, it has been out on the road that I run and smile and weep and show thanks for it all.  My drug-of-choice opened my eyes to finally accept that I was praying to God.  Alone on the road, I wasn’t really alone at all.  I was alone with God.  The revelation that He had been beside me all those years was overwhelming.  It was the noise and confusion of life that clouded my view – the belief that I could control it all.  I had been so busy trying to prove to myself that I was loved, that I never heard Him.

“We encounter God in the ordinariness of life:  not in the search for spiritual highs and extraordinary mystical experiences, but in our simple presence in life.”  Brennan Manning

As I head back home to a messy house and groggy children just waking up, I pick up my pace.  It’s no surprise that I feel lighter and warmer now.  Last year at this same time on this same run, I finally found the truth.  During all those years when I felt lost and alone – working so hard to win God’s love – I already had it.  I didn’t earn it and I will never earn it.  The grace of God is a gift – with no strings attached – that I will humbly accept knowing that there is no way to ever thank Him for it.

“Faith is what someone knows to be true, whether they believe it or not.”  Flannery O’Connor

Having faith in His gift has allowed me to be gentler with myself and others, have more patience with myself and others, and be more generous with myself and others.  Having faith in God has changed the way I see things.  When my faith is strong, I am more compassionate, I fear less, I love more, and I live with greater conviction. We are all broken and frail and fighting something – but God loves us anyway.  Accepting this has set me free.

My run ends at my doorstep.  I listen carefully outside the door and hear muted little voices inside.  I sigh.  No, I cannot explain my faith, I only know that it has helped me find peace, finally believe that I am lovable, and be grateful for every day I am blessed to experience it all.